The House of Atreus, Part 5

Previously on The House of Atreus, ol’ Queen Clytemnestra got quite a shock when her husband killed their oldest child, just so he could keep his appointment for the Trojan War. It was, after all, the second time Agamemnon had slaughtered her offspring, so she decided she was done sitting around the house moping. Cly didn’t want to be some lowly female background character anymore. She was going to be a star!


“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” -Clytemnestra


Upon returning home to Argos, waiting out Agamemnon’s return in a chaste stupor for the next ten years was about the last thing on Cly’s mind. So, she downloaded the hot new dating app REVENGR, which presented you with a selection of potential matches with whom you shared mutual enemies on Foebook. Her girlfriend Medea had turned her onto it (it was all the rage, at the time).

Continue reading


The House of Atreus, Part 4

When last we left our heroes, they were heading off to beat those women-snatching Trojans into a good ol’ foreign pulp. Yup, Helen had escaped, and because she was the only woman for Menelaus, the entire nation of Greeks (newly formed) were going after her.

There was trouble on the way to Troy. See, Agamemnon had become a super powerful King, and now that he was ruling over all these other Kings, he felt like he wasn’t beholden to anyone. This was called hubris, and inevitably meant that you were about to run afoul of some god. Agamemnon had it coming in spades.

Sure enough, he went a-hunting and shot this deer in a grove that was sacred to Artemis. She was livid. I mean, Agamemnon’s father had already tried to pull the wool over her eyes, so this was the last straw.


“I’m sure the gods wouldn’t mind, it’s me, after all.” -Agamemnon

As punishment, she changed the winds so that all the ships got stuck in the port at Aulis. Since there were one thousand ships, all bursting with warrior types, it was a recipe for disaster. Imagine if your wagon train in Oregon Trail got stuck, and you weren’t allowed to hunt for food! Eventually, Agamemnon consulted his seer, and learned he would have to sacrifice his oldest daughter, Iphigenia, to appease the gods.

Continue reading

The House of Atreus, Part 3

Previously on The House of Atreus, Thyestes and his son/grandson, Aegisthus, wreaked revenge for the cannibalistic consumption of their kin, by their kin. They exiled the royal heirs of Argos, Agamemnon and Menelaus, to Sparta.

Sparta was a fantastic spot for exiled warrior princes, as the aging King of Sparta was unlucky enough to have engendered mere daughters. Due to the proliferation of total babes, not only did Agamemnon and Menelaus manage to become good friends, but they also secured advantageous marriages.


Agamemnon and Menelaus on their way to therapy.

Continue reading